One of the things that seems to cause the most division that people so often tell me about in confession, is bitterness in families over things like wills, where land or money has been left to someone and others in the family feel hard done by; sometimes over children who won’t forgive parents for their mistakes, or parents who won’t forgive their children, but especially over wills. It is very sad, but it is amazing how much of it exists. We decide that we can’t forgive, or won’t forgive, because we have been hurt too deeply. Unforgiveness is probably the single biggest obstacle to God’s helping us in this life. If I refuse to forgive someone, I am preventing the Lord from helping me, because this is one thing that the Lord tells us to do.
No doubt all of us here expect to be forgiven by God when we die. That’s what our faith teaches us. It’s what we talk about all the time, but I wonder do all of us feel that we also have to forgive those who have wronged us. This is exactly what the Lord tells us we must do, if we hope to be forgiven ourselves. We say it every time we pray the Our Father: ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.’ There are also many parables that Jesus used to emphasize this.
Peter asked Jesus, ‘Lord how many times must I forgive my brother? As many as seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy-seven times.’ In other words, as long as someone asks my forgiveness I must forgive them.
Jesus then went on to give this parable:
There was a king who was settling accounts with his servants. (Matthew 18:21-35). One servant could not pay the debt and begged for time. The king was sorry for him and forgave the whole debt when he asked for mercy. But then that same man went out and refused to forgive one of his debtors a much smaller amount. When the king found out he was furious and condemned the servant for his lack of mercy and threw him in jail until he pay the whole debt. And Jesus finishes with the words, ‘And that is how my heavenly Father will treat you, unless you forgive your brother from your heart.’ (Matthew 18:35).
There is also a common misunderstanding to do with forgiveness, and it is this: many people have the idea that in order to forgive someone who has hurt them, they must feel like forgiving them. In other words they must have got to the point where they no longer feel the hurt, and so therefore they can forgive. That is not how it works. If most of us were to wait until we actually felt like forgiving someone who has hurt us, we would probably never forgive? This is where people get stuck: forgiveness is not based on how you feel, but is a decision of the will. I choose to forgive someone, because the Lord asks me to; and by doing that I then open the door to allow the Lord to begin to help me get over the hurt. Or to put it the other way around: if I refuse to forgive someone, I am preventing God from helping me to be healed of the hurt. I will not begin to heal as long as the unforgiveness remains.
‘Lord I forgive John, please bless him and help me to heal.’ When we decide to forgive, we are not saying that what happened no longer matters, or that it wasn’t wrong, or that we no longer feel the pain. We are choosing to forgive the person, so that we can heal. We are letting go of the resentment. We may have to say those words many more times throughout our life, but as long as we do, then we will begin to heal. If I refuse to forgive someone, I become consumed with the hurt, the resentment and anger. It eats away at me like a cancer. I am the one who suffers. We may feel that by refusing to forgive, we are punishing the other person. The truth is they may not even be aware of the hurt you are carrying. I am the one who is suffering and the key to healing is in my hands.
The deeper the hurt, the harder it is to forgive and the Lord knows that. That is why Jesus spoke about it so many times. When the Apostles asked Jesus to teach them how to pray, He gave them the Our Father. The Our Father is a way of praying, not just a prayer and two lines of it are to do with forgiveness. ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.’ If we expect to be forgiven, we too must forgive.
It is a terrible thing to meet someone in the later years of their life who has refused to forgive. You can see it in their face. They are angry and bitter and they are not at peace. That is not what the Lord wants for any of us and so He shows us the way out. The key is in our own hands.
When I find myself angry with someone, it usually means I need to forgive them. I doubt if there is anyone who doesn’t need to forgive someone. So many of the stories people tell me, are about serious injustices. The bigger the wrong we have experienced the harder it is to forgive. But remind yourself, it is not about how I feel. It is a decision.
St. Maria Goretti, one of the youngest saints in the Church, died at the age of 11 in 1902, just before her 12th birthday. Her father died when she was very young and as a result her family ended up having to hire themselves out as farm hands. They also had to share a house with a man and his two sons, the Serenellis. They were into very sinful living. One of the sons, Alessandro, kept trying to seduce her, even though she was so young, but she continually resisted. One day he arranged it so that she would be home alone when he was there. He tried to rape her, but she resisted, crying out that it would be a sin and offend God. In his frustration he stabbed her 15 times. She lived for another 24 hours while they tried to save her. During those 24 hours she said that she forgave him because she said, ‘I want him to be in heaven too.’ Alessandro was given a life sentence.
For the first three years he was completely unrepentant and bragged about what he had done. But three years after her murder, she appeared to him in a dream and gave him 15 lilies. As he took each lily, it burnt his hand and disappeared. He realized that each one represented each of the times that he had stabbed her and that she had forgiven him. From then on, he became deeply repentant, so much so that he was eventually let out of prison early (after 27 years) because of his exemplary behaviour.
After he was released he went to her mother to beg her forgiveness. His mother said to him, ‘If Maria can forgive you, then I must forgive you too.’ I can’t imagine the grief and anger that her mother must have gone through, but she forgave Alessandro and I have no doubt that will have brought her peace and set her free. Alessandro and her mother Assunta, were both present at Maria’s canonization in 1950. Alessandro spent the rest of his life working in a monastery.
Many times, after some of these terrible shootings where multiple people are killed, I have seen family members cursing and screaming at the killer in court. Their anger is very understandable. But sometimes you also see family members, usually parents, with extraordinary courage, saying through their tears that they forgive the killer. They will have to live with the pain of losing their child, but they have also set themselves free from the hatred that otherwise would consume them.
There is a tradition attributed to a tribe in South America, I believe. If someone is murdered and they catch the killer, he is tied to a barrel and thrown into a river, or lake. The family can let him drown, or save him. Revenge would make you want to let him drown. But if they save him, it sets them free of hatred and bitterness. Great wisdom.
When I am dying, will the injustices carried out against me still matter? Will I still refuse to forgive? We will not get into heaven until we forgive those who have wronged us and that is why it is so important. The key to healing is in our own hands, but it is a decision, not a feeling.
‘Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.’
