Three years ago in our diocese we lost five priests. They all left for different reasons, which is sad. Each time that happens it makes all of us priests question our vocations and it brings up questions as to whether we will be able to persevere. Marriages don’t always work out and I’m sure when you know a couple who have just split up, it probably brings up fears and questions about your own marriage too. But just because Religious life, or married life, doesn’t always work out as we had hoped, it doesn’t mean we give up on them. We still do our best to hold onto the values that are important and to teach our children the same thing. Over 80% of people still believe in the value of marriage, which is good to know and thousands of young people are continually inspired to dedicate their lives to God in Religious life. Two of my family are divorced and I’ve already done one of my best friend’s weddings twice and he is divorced twice. I told him I’m not doing a third one! I also know of many priests who have left the priesthood.
It is interesting that in the time of Moses 3,500 years ago, they had the same issues. People’s marriages didn’t always work out then either. When Jesus is questioned about this, he makes the point that this was not God’s intention, but that doesn’t mean we give up when things don’t work out. The Lord never gives up on us, no matter how badly things turn out, rather He comes to us in our situation, to help and encourage us.
God is the one who created marriage. In the book of Genesis it is the Lord who says, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone.’ It also says that when Adam looked among the animals for a helpmate, he could not find one ‘who would be his equal.’ Animals can be of great help to us, but they are not equal to human beings. So the story says that God took a rib from the side of Adam and created Eve. That is a biblical way of saying that man and woman are made of the same stuff. And when a woman and man are united in marriage, they complete each other. The two become one flesh. Man and woman are meant to complement each other. Marriage helps both the man and the woman to mature as human beings.
God’s intention is that marriage is for life. Then the Pharisees ask Jesus, ‘Why did Moses allow the people to divorce?’ and Jesus’ reply is, ‘Because you were so unteachable.’ In other words, just because we don’t always manage to live as God intended, doesn’t mean that He will abandon us. God comes to our aid and helps us in our situation.
You know the story of Jesus meeting the Samaritan woman at the well. He meets her in the middle of the day, on her own, which means that she was being shunned by other women. It would be normal for her to be with other women early in the morning, when it is cool. Jesus tells her he knows that she has been married five times and is now with another man who is not her husband. But instead of being judgmental of her, he reaches out to her, gives her hope and courage. That is always what the Lord does. Jesus is always the one to encourage us. Satan, who hates and wants to destroy God’s creation, always discourages. He is the one who tells us we are useless, we are hypocrites and there is no point in going on. Jesus called him ‘the Accuser’ and the father of lies. He constantly accuses us, points out our faults and tries to shame us. If you are surprised to hear me talk about Satan, look at the Scriptures. Jesus frequently mentioned him. His existence is real and he works to destroy us and make us despair. Jesus is always the one to encourage us and who tells us not to be afraid.
When Jesus was asked directly about this, He said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her.’ Divorce is not what God intended, but even when it happens, the Lord does not abandon us, but works with us, to help us move on. That is also what an annulment is about. It is the Church’s way of allowing a person to move on, by dissolving the previous sacramental marriage. An annulment doesn’t say that a marriage never existed. What it says is that all the elements for the sacrament of marriage were not there and therefore that marriage can be dissolved, so that the person can be free to marry again. You could say it is the merciful side of the Lord’s teaching, to allow people to begin again.
I am often asked if it is wrong to receive Holy Communion if someone is divorced. Being divorced is not a problem with regards to receiving Communion. The problem is when someone is then in a second relationship. If someone is in a second relationship without having the first one dissolved, or annulled, then technically they are committing adultery. That’s why we try to help people to get an annulment, so that they can move on. God is always merciful and always with us, but He also shows us how to move forward the right way and most people I have met want to do things the right way.
A few years ago I was talking about this in a homily. Afterwards a couple came to me and said they needed to get annulments and get married in the Church. They had been married for 38 years, but God spoke to their hearts and they both realized they needed to put things right before the Lord. So they both applied for annulments and a year later got their annulments and then they got married here in the Church. I give them great credit for doing that after 38 years being civilly married. It would be easier to say ‘It doesn’t matter,’ but God never tells us it doesn’t matter. Instead, He shows the path and invites us to take the right steps, even when they are difficult.
One of the reasons Pope Francis often unnerves people, is because he reaches out to people who are in the ‘grey’ area, which is exactly what Jesus did. He hasn’t changed any Church teaching, but he is reminding us that things are rarely black and white and reaching out to people is what we are meant to be about, because that is what Jesus did.
I often think of the line where Jesus is critical of the Pharisees (the religious leaders of the time) and he says, ‘Oh you Pharisees; you place great burdens on people’s shoulders, but you don’t lift a finger to move them.’ In other words, it is easy to just state the God’s law, but we must also help people when things have gone wrong. The Lord is always the one to encourage us and He never abandons us, no matter what happens.
God also wants to help couples in their marriage, because it is a holy thing. Not only will He guide us but He gives very specific instructions, which are in the Scriptures. When you follow his instructions, his Commandments and teachings, it works.
I want to finish with this story about a couple I know.
John is a friend of mine and he told me this story about his own life. When he was in high school, he met Maria and they got into a lustful relationship. He was 16 she was 17. She became pregnant and graduated 9 months pregnant. John wanted to be there for the child, even though he didn’t love Maria, so they decided to get married. He said the first year was very difficult and the next nine years were just a matter of endurance. They just put up with each other. Whenever they could they spent time apart. For vacation she went to her family and he to his.
After 10 years of marriage, they began to take their faith more seriously. They had been going to church, but just in a routine way. She began to go to bible study and one of the things they discussed was what the bible says about the role of wives and husbands, how wives are to behave towards each other. At the same time he was reading a book called Every Man’s Battle. Here he began to read what the scriptures say about the role of a husband, that is, laying down your life for your wife. Serving her and looking after her every need. It is a life of sacrifice for the other, not a life of fulfillment for oneself.
They decided to both really try and live God’s word in their marriage and once they did things quickly began to change. He told me that they actually began to fall in love for the first time. Since then their marriage has turned into a happy marriage and they are now about years married.
There is an order to God’s creation and if we recognize that order and try and live by what He teaches us, it works.
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